5 Things About My BPD

1. Controlling my emotions are difficult; but that doesn’t mean I’m completely out of control. I’ve adapted to my situation, I’ve never known anything different so I don’t know how you experience daily life. I feel everything a lot stronger it seems and it can appear erratic & “crazy” but it’s me & I wouldn’t change that. Just because I can feel negative emotions strongly doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to feel the happier emotions the way I do. I may swing from emotion to emotion quickly but I’m used to it and I can handle it in my own way. I won’t let it be the defining aspect of my personality.

 

2. Stress is my main trigger; it can be my greatest downfall but I won’t let it defeat me. I may not be able to handle stress in the same way as you but that doesn’t make me a bad person. I may be flustered & seem to be acting silly but it’s part of my illness and I won’t allow you to judge me on that. I’ve been belittled before and I won’t allow anyone to do so again. I’m learning to handle stress more and more each day but sometimes it will get to me.

 

3. Just because I want help doesn’t always make it available; it can be extremely hard to get the correct help. I’ve been through soo many systems that have put me through hell, so even going back for help can be a big deal. It takes time to accept you want help and be at a place mentally when you can take on that help properly. But just because you go for help doesn’t mean it can come quickly or when you seriously need it. Sometimes it can take weeks or months to get the specialised help. Luckily some GPs can be amazing and supportive enough to guide you while you wait but that’s not always the case. Even when you get help sometimes the certain therapy you need may not be available in your immediate area or there could be further waiting times. Please be aware of this before judging our progress.

 

4. It can be very hard to maintain personal relationships; so I appreciate you more than you know. This is probably the biggest drawback of this disorder. I can deal with the stress, I can deal with the emotions but I don’t want to destroy my relationships. I don’t mean to make you feel like you are constantly looking after me or that I’m being crazy all the time. I just can’t turn this off; I don’t want to seem dismissive when you’re trying to comfort me or seem distant randomly. I just want to be okay for the people closest to me. Sometimes that can be a lot of pressure to put myself under & having that pressure from others can be too much. I try my best to be the best me but the fact you love the person I am even with my drawbacks makes you the greatest person. Thank you for being there for me and keeping me sane even on my darkest days.

 

5. Having BPD doesn’t make me a danger; not to myself & not to the world. Yes there are cases in which people who suffer from my disorder have done terrible things to themselves or others but that doesn’t mean I am the same. People without disorder can commit terrible things too but being labelled as mentally unstable doesn’t make me immoral. I don’t intend to harm anybody or myself. I’ve have periods in which I’ve wished harm to myself but I am passed in & have learnt from that scary time in my life.

 

I would usually write and introduction to my posts but with this I just felt like I wanted to write and allow you guys to read the post as you wish. There’s no need for read mores or lengthy descriptions; I just wrote how I felt. I rather enjoy writing these more personal posts and I hope they aren’t annoying you too much. There’s just times when these things should be spoken about.

Shelley xx

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3 Comments

  1. March 25, 2016 / 2:22 pm

    100% relate to you Shelley, everything makes so much more sense after getting a diagnosis, I love reading these personal types of posts because it makes me feel so much more confident in posting my own, it's hard to be understood properly over the internet anyway never mind trying to put all of your issues and problems from your mind written out properly! Keep strong, Meg xx

    • March 19, 2017 / 5:53 pm

      Thankyou mlove & sorry for such a late reply. I am completely rubbish at seeing comments & blogger does not notify me at all. I hope you're doing well yourself & I'm always here if you need a chat/rant!! xx

  2. March 21, 2017 / 6:40 pm

    This is so important that you've posted this because it's one of those mental illnesses that comes with negative connotations. As someone who also suffers from BPD – sometimes even those who are meant to be there to help you can tarnish you with the same brush. I'm sending lots of love and I'm always just a Facebook message away! xxxx

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