For a surprisingly open person this is a tough post for me to write. I am usually more than happy to write about the reality of my mental health but there’s just something about becoming a mum that makes it hard to admit you’re not okay.
But I really feel like I need talk to talk about not being okay… cause I’m not.
I probably haven’t been for a while. Yes I have good days where I’m happy but today I don’t feel okay.
I feel this overwhelming pressure to be me, to be productive & to just do more.
I desperately want to be able to be good at something but in reality I feel like I am good at nothing.
Why can’t I juggle Jasper & the washing? Why can’t I put him down? Why can’t I make time for blogging? Why do I bother pitching companies? Why don’t I arrange to met that person? Why can’t I make time for myself? Why haven’t I taken Jasper to playgroup?
WHY? WHY? WHY?
I just focus on all the bad, all the stuff I want to be doing or feel like I should be doing & the stress builds.
My brain goes into overdrive; I’m a mess, I’m in tears, I’m angry & then it all shuts off because my body can’t handle it anymore.
I am burnt out & I need to admit it. I have to talk about not being okay because it’s the reality.
I feel lost & confused & not enough.
But then I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want help with Jasper. I don’t want people telling me what could work for teething or sleeping.
I am currently my own worst nightmare.
I love being Jasper’s mum & I love how obsessed he is with me. I love that I can make him laugh & I love that just picking him up takes away the tears. I enjoy spending everyday with him & watching him grow. The pride I feel looking at him playing with his toys & just being the happiest chap is overwhelming.
But then there are times I feel like looking after him just isn’t enough.
I don’t feel like a functional human because all I am is a mum somedays. I want to do other things & I want to be able to juggle my responsibilities. I want help with him but I don’t like letting him go. I am ridiculously particular with who looks after him because I have zero faith in people. I want him all to myself but I also want time to myself.
See I am my own worst nightmare.
I just feel a little lost right now. I don’t feel like myself. I feel ill & tired & stressed.
I have decisions to make that are throwing me on a downwards spiral. I’m trying to juggle motherhood, my education, the house, a social life & my blog.
Right now I just don’t know how I’m going to get to a place where I feel better. It doesn’t really feel possible.
No matter how much I try to explain it to myself or others it just doesn’t feel right but I wanted to put it out into the world.
Hopefully this resonates with someone so they don’t feel so alone but even if it doesn’t I need to admit to myself & others that things aren’t okay.
Things will be okay one day but today is just not that day.
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