I think it’s about time I talk about being a BPD mother & how it’s affected my parenting. I didn’t quite know when I was gonna write this or when would be a good time to write it. Should I write it on a good day, when things seem a little easier or should I write it on a bad day, when things are a tad more honest? I didn’t want to write a half arsed; yes everything okay kinda post but I also didn’t want to write a post that would depress all my readers.
Then I realised it doesn’t really matter when I write it because I do know the reality of my emotions & how my BPD has affected my motherhood. It’s gonna be frank & honest & maybe even a little bit moody but that’s the reality. If you’re a fellow BPD sufferer you’ll probably relate & understand why I’m feeling these ways a little more. If you aren’t a sufferer you may think hey this girl is crazy & well by definition yes I am. I am a chronic mentally ill person who is also a new mother & trying to work it all out.
Here goes nothing…
My reality as a BPD mother
I’m scared that I’m not being a good mum or that I’m not doing things right. I’m scared that people are judging me & think I’m a bad mum. I’m scared that we don’t play enough or don’t spend enough time out the house but I’m also scared of being out the house with him. I don’t want him to freak out & me then freak out & people to see that. I’m genuinely scared people will see I’m a BPD mother & judge me because of it.
I get overwhelmed a lot. Just like the rest of my life; parenting can be overwhelming. It’s a lot of responsibility & I feel like I’m not quite doing enough. I feel like I’ve watch my mum do so much more as a mother & well I’m not living up to it. I can’t juggle Jasper & the house some days which makes me feel like a failure. I generally get overwhelmed at everything else I feel like I need to do then actually parenting because parenting comes first & the stuff I don’t manage then bogs me down.
I feel angry at a lot of different things. I feel angry at myself for not doing enough or not be productive. I feel angry at my partner Jacob for being able to leave & do normal things. I get angry at people for wanting to help all the time or not helping. I get angry at people being obsessed with Jasper & angry at the people who make zero effort. I’m more than likely angry at someone or myself 5 days out of 7. I’m never angry at Jasper though which is something I find surprising.
I feel trapped as a mother & nothing else. BPD makes you pretty selfish & impulsive which are two things you can’t really be as a mother so I then feel trapped. I am trying to adjust to my new lifestyle & my new routine but sometimes it just feels too much. I have days where I just want to be me not the mum me just the regular old me who could do what she wanted, when she wanted. I think the fact I can do things I want immediately when I feel like it makes me feel trapped in a mummy bubble.
I sometimes accept help & sometimes refuse it. I’m very self aware & I know my disorder quite well so I know I need help. I will accept help from certain people quite easily but there are times when I find it judgemental that they think I need help. Its a tough balance for the people around me because they are just trying to help but if I’m feeling self conscious I can take it quite differently. I can handle my baby & he’s never a problem so when people offer help all the time I just feel like they don’t think I can handle him & it rubs me the wrong way.
I feel more unstable & I hate it. I managed my BPD for years & even in my pregnancy I felt like I had a handle on it. Well now I don’t feel like that. I feel erratic & unstable all the damn time. It’s actually horrible because my hormones & the sudden change in lifestyle has thrown me through a loop. I can’t seem to drag myself out of it & it makes me worried that I’ll never get back to being stable.
Parenting is just another thing to feel guilty about. Damn I know mum guilt is a thing but hey its my whole world. I am my own worst enemy in everyday life & now I have an extra thing to shame myself about. It’s very hard for me to feel good about myself as a BPD mother but I know my child is happy & healthy. I just spend more time telling myself I’m a failure than reminding myself I’m doing a fab job.
I am fun & my son loves it. I have never felt like a more fun person in my life. My BPD tends to sit on the lower end of the emotion scale so I don’t find things fun a lot (I know how depressing that sounds trust me) but being a parent has made me discover my fun side. Granted I still don’t get excited about things the way other people do but Jasper & I have tonnes of fun. He loves me dancing around & singing with him. I feel like I have revealed a sillier side of me & it’s fab.
I am happy & I mean it. Even though a lot of these points have been more negative I am happy. Not all the time of course but I do truly feel happy being a mother. Jasper just makes me happy & his happiness seems to rub off onto me. Even when I’m not having a good day being silly for him brings out the happier side of me. It’s a really hard one to explain to be completely honest.
I finally feel like I know what love really is. Here’s a bit of a deep one for you. Suffering for BPD makes me question emotions & if I’m really experiencing them like other people. Well I can tell you now having a baby made me fully understand unconditional love & it feels fab.
I have bonded with my child which was a huge worry for me especially since I was having a premature birth too. My birth wasn’t necessarily traumatic but it wasn’t easy either. I was constantly worried about bonding with Jasper purely because on my BPD & then throw the early labour on top & I was panicking. Turns out there was nothing to worry about & I can say for certain Jasper & I have bonded!
I have to admit this wasn’t an easy post to write. I’ve become so self conscious of my disorder since becoming a mother I’m always worried how people will take what I choose to put out there. Even doing some research for this post I discovered horrible articles about BPD mothers. It was more about survival the trauma from the child’s perspective than any mothers expressing their experiences.
Motherhood is tough; BPD is tough & here I am just trying to survive the two of them & raise a happy little man.
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