What A Bad Day With BPD Is Like For Me

What A Bad Day With BPD Is Like For Me - nevertheless she persisted tattooMay is borderline personality disorder awareness month (that is a mouthful lord!) & as someone who suffers from the disorder, I thought I’d write a couple of posts. If you read my blog regularly you’ll know I’m open about my mental health & I’ve written a few posts before, but I really do think this awareness month deserves as much recognition as all the others.

The first post I’m writing this week is what a bad day with BPD is like for me.

Disclaimer: as always this is my personal experience. Not everyone with BPD experiences it the same, some people may relate & some may not.  Just the way it goes.

Also, I wrote down a bunch of notes when I recently had a bad day with my BPD so I could write this as honestly as possible but not all my bad days are the same.

Okay now all that’s out the way here’s

What a bad day with BPD is like for me

There’s no screaming or crying.

There aren’t any tantrums or craziness you might think would occur when I’m having a bad day.

Instead, I’m curled up because I’m numb.

I feel completely empty. No emotion, no energy, no hope. Just pure emptiness.

I’m exhausted past the point of recovery. I can’t push through it another day. I can’t achieve anything because all I’ve been doing is pushing, & now my body has pushed back. My warped brain has shut me down like there’s no other way.

So I’m just laying there. A giant blob of nothingness. Worthless & pointless & nothing.

Then comes the waves of sadness because I’m the worst person in the world.

How dare I do nothing all day? What an absolute waste of space!!

How can I be this tired when I’ve done nothing? I don’t deserve to be tired!

I don’t deserve anything! Anything at all!

As you can imagine I’m now as emotional as can be. Everything sets me off; tears, anger, irritation, tears, more tears, & even more tears.

But hey, I get a burst of energy & maybe this is all over? Maybe I’m about to swing moods into a good day.

Oh wait, nope! That was all bullshit & I’m back to a blob of nothingness.

I have zero focus & my brain is all hazy. It’s like a migraine is brewing & all I can feel is a dull ache.

My memory is non-existent & I can’t process anything. My brain has gone into switched off mode.

I’m still full of guilt. There’s so much guilt is overwhelming, and I just want it to end. I want to feel like I’m worth something.

I want to achieve something, but I just can’t function.

It’s an endless cycle of feeling guilty & needing to rest.

No amount of self-care will save this mentally ill person!

The evening swings around & my mood picks up. I feel more energy building & it’s as if that bad day with BPD was a distant memory.

But it wasn’t & it sucks so bad, but hey, it’s just another day.

I’ll move on from it & not every day will be the same.

It’s just one bad day with BPD.

One real bad day!

Shelley xx

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