May is borderline personality disorder awareness month (that is a mouthful lord!) & as someone who suffers from the disorder, I thought I’d write a couple of posts. If you read my blog regularly you’ll know I’m open about my mental health & I’ve written a few posts before, but I really do think this awareness month deserves as much recognition as all the others.
The first post I’m writing this week is what a bad day with BPD is like for me.
Disclaimer: as always this is my personal experience. Not everyone with BPD experiences it the same, some people may relate & some may not. Just the way it goes.
Also, I wrote down a bunch of notes when I recently had a bad day with my BPD so I could write this as honestly as possible but not all my bad days are the same.
Okay now all that’s out the way here’s
What a bad day with BPD is like for me
There’s no screaming or crying.
There aren’t any tantrums or craziness you might think would occur when I’m having a bad day.
Instead, I’m curled up because I’m numb.
I feel completely empty. No emotion, no energy, no hope. Just pure emptiness.
I’m exhausted past the point of recovery. I can’t push through it another day. I can’t achieve anything because all I’ve been doing is pushing, & now my body has pushed back. My warped brain has shut me down like there’s no other way.
So I’m just laying there. A giant blob of nothingness. Worthless & pointless & nothing.
Then comes the waves of sadness because I’m the worst person in the world.
How dare I do nothing all day? What an absolute waste of space!!
How can I be this tired when I’ve done nothing? I don’t deserve to be tired!
I don’t deserve anything! Anything at all!
As you can imagine I’m now as emotional as can be. Everything sets me off; tears, anger, irritation, tears, more tears, & even more tears.
But hey, I get a burst of energy & maybe this is all over? Maybe I’m about to swing moods into a good day.
Oh wait, nope! That was all bullshit & I’m back to a blob of nothingness.
I have zero focus & my brain is all hazy. It’s like a migraine is brewing & all I can feel is a dull ache.
My memory is non-existent & I can’t process anything. My brain has gone into switched off mode.
I’m still full of guilt. There’s so much guilt is overwhelming, and I just want it to end. I want to feel like I’m worth something.
I want to achieve something, but I just can’t function.
It’s an endless cycle of feeling guilty & needing to rest.
No amount of self-care will save this mentally ill person!
The evening swings around & my mood picks up. I feel more energy building & it’s as if that bad day with BPD was a distant memory.
But it wasn’t & it sucks so bad, but hey, it’s just another day.
I’ll move on from it & not every day will be the same.
It’s just one bad day with BPD.
One real bad day!
*This post may contain affiliate links which can generate commission for me if you choose to purchase through the website linked. View my disclaimer here*